Observe: Everywhere
My Saturn’s Return
I turned 29 on the 29th of November. Marking a Golden Birthday. As Saturn made it’s return it brought forth growing pains. Nobody prepared me to mourn the life I imagined for myself. What did not come to reality by this point. It’s not wrong where I am at in life right now. It just isn’t reflecting the “vision board” I carried with me from a very young age.
Seeing that everyone is on different paths than me. Achieving milestones that seem so far for me to reach. The constant FOMO. The mirror portrays that no time has passed. Yet feeling as though years have been wasted. Convincing myself that I am doing it all wrong. Being a full grown adult but having imposture syndrome.
Waking up and smelling the coffee. Realizing that I owe an immense apology to myself. For allowing so much of my 20s to be focused on finding love. For not utilizing the confidence I know I’ve always had. Focusing too much on the digital world. Forgetting to be present in the real one. Being afraid to abandon others resulted in abandoning myself.
Priorities have shifted. Time to be more selfish. Saying no to this. Not giving a fuck anymore about that. Peace and serenity making its way to the front burner. Grasping hold of the concept on caring less about what they think.
Re-evaluating who and what deserves my time and energy. Im not giving up on life. I’m giving up on people. Many faces cannot afford my energy anymore. Giving them discounts. Free admission even. Yet they still cannot afford it. I wish to accept that realization with open arms.
Not the Bring Home to Mama Type
My life is like a romantic comedy but without the romance It’s comical how each romantic connection expired.
You are trying to find yourself and need more time. A month later, you have a boyfriend.
You want to come visit me because you miss me. You then say you’re talking to someone.
You chose to drive 2 hours to go out with my friends and me. I show my affection and you run away.
Work has taken a toll and you need to focus on yourself. I find you on all the dating apps the next week.
Tireless excuses. You simply cannot make this shit up.
An endless cycle of being left in the dust. Never changing who I am. Never changing my values. Never abandoning my goals. It’s never good enough to hold someone else’s attention. Apparently I must not be the “bring home to mama type.” Everyone I’ve ever grown fond of never brought me into their world. Never met a single friend, parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or cousin. Not one! Heck I never even met someone they remotely gave a fuck about. Never stepped foot into the space they call home, but they all settled right into mine.
Everyone is quick to give me an Irish goodbye. Leaving only with silence. Forcing me to watch them go off and find someone else. Where is the person who is afraid to see me walk away? I can easily mimic the footsteps of others. Where is the man who is going to fight for me to stay?
Within the storm. Who will be my candle when the lights go out? Who will be my light when I can’t see.
